


Dazed and Confused

by arintriestowrite



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Edward Elric Swears, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hospitalization, Hospitals, Hurt Edward Elric, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I will add more tags as I go along, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, POV First Person, POV Male Character, Parental Maes Hughes, Parental Riza Hawkeye, Parental Roy Mustang, Self-Harm, author can't tag for shit, hoo boy strap in, this is an angsty one
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:02:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24746521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arintriestowrite/pseuds/arintriestowrite
Summary: How will Edward recover from trauma that he doesn't even remember?
Relationships: Edward Elric & Winry Rockbell
Comments: 11
Kudos: 66





	1. Where am I?

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all really like seeing Edward in pain, huh? Well here ya go.

I wish I could say I woke up to my mom making me and my brother breakfast. I wish I could smell eggs and bacon. I wish I could say I woke up in my own house. But I didn’t, and I never will. My mom died when I was a kid and my house burned to the ground years after. As for where I was…

Wait a second, where the hell was I?

I don’t remember opening my eyes. I don’t remember waking up. I don’t remember how I got here, or where here even was. I was laying in a bed on top of the sheets without my coat or belt. 

It was dark. Oh, and cold. I quickly noticed my entire body was in pain. Especially my head. Sharp pains coursed through my skull with every movement. Everything hurt, except for my arm and leg, but they wouldn’t have hurt anyways. 

Wait another fucking second… my arm.

I fumbled for where my arm should’ve been, but I didn’t find anything. Just as I thought, someone took my arm again. I perked up, looking around. My head felt like I was run over by a train. Scratch that, my whole body felt like that. I felt insanely hungover, which I probably was. My throat was burning. 

Suddenly, my chest and head felt chills. I froze and looked to my left, where a man was sleeping and snoring loudly in the bed I was in. I didn’t notice earlier because my ears were ringing. 

That added a whole new level of fuckery to this situation. 

I decided in that moment I needed to leave ASAP. Okay, let’s assess everything so far. 

I woke up in a strange bed, with a strange man, feeling strange sensations, in a strange place. And with my right arm totally gone. That means I can’t do alchemy in a situation where I’d need it. 

Objective number one: Find my arm. Easy, right? Just gotta find the big shiny heavy thing. Got it. 

Okay. I need to slow my breathing. In this situation I need to be calm and quiet. The calm part is not too hard I suppose. But the quiet part is near impossible. You see, whoever kidnapped me or whatever didn’t know about my automail leg. That means it’s still attached to me. Which, in turn, means that every other step is a clanking noise. This also means whoever did this didn’t know me very well. 

Whoever I must’ve gone home with took the time to take off my coat, arm, and belt, but left my boots on. I guess they didn’t find out about the leg. Awesome - I have a slight advantage. 

Time to go on a hunt for my arm. It took a little bit of effort to pull myself up off the bed silently. I noticed my hair hung in front of my face, greasy and tangled. I also noticed I was drenched in sweat. Just what the hell happened to me?

I stood up quickly, black spots scattering my vision. The room spun a little, and I felt disoriented and confused. I wonder what time it is, or where I was before that.

I took a second to steady myself before walking along the walls, feeling them with my arm. I bumped into a few things before finding a door knob. 

Hell yes. I opened the door as quietly as I could, which is not very. Creaky ass door.

I soon found out I was in a small, dingy apartment. Roaches skittered around the walls, making me feel uneasy. Then, by some miracle, I found it. My arm was just sitting on the kitchen table near the exit. Awesome! Just gotta grab it and go. I paused for a second, my head throbbing with every step. 

I grabbed my arm, which was heavier than I ever thought it was. I couldn’t put it on just yet though. It’ll hurt like a bitch and I’ll probably wake up the creepy dude. I set my arm down just long enough to open the door and step into the crisp outside air. 

It’s cold. Colder than the dark room with the creepy guy. Fucking freezing, actually. By how dark it was outside, I assumed it was early morning. Like 1 am or 3 am. 

I felt confused. Actually, more than confused. It was like I woke up in an alternate dimension. Nothing made sense to me at the moment. 

I walked down the stairs leading up to the apartment and onto the sidewalk. The world spun around me and I needed to use the handrail as I ventured down the stairs. I don’t remember stumbling down the sidewalk, but I soon found myself on a street. There’s a bar. I don’t drink often, but it looked warm enough. Looked well lit, too. Might as well go inside.

That’s when I saw them. A group of people I knew. Holy shit, finally. Maybe someone can give me some answers. 

Fuery was in a seat facing me, so of course he noticed me first. 

“Holy shit, Edward? We were just wondering where you were!” He said in disbelief. 

“I’d like to know just as much as you, trust me,” I grumbled. 

Hawkeye and Mustang stared at me with wildly different expressions. They were sitting right next to each other, hand in hand. The colonel was stern as ever. What a dick. Lieutenant looked at me with a little more pity.

The world spun a little and I briefly lost my balance. The colonel, still looking at me, furrowed his brow. “What happened to your arm?” he asked. 

“Oh this?” I said, wiggling around my automail. “Just fell off, y'know? It does that sometimes.”

“This is serious, Fullmetal!” he growled and slammed his hands on the table, standing up. 

Shit. I guess this is bigger than I thought. 

“Whoa, I don’t know what happened! I woke up in some weirdo’s apartment, missing my arm! Jesus, give me a break!” 

The colonel stared me dead in the eyes. “You… what?”

“Like I said, I woke up somewhere I didn’t recognize and now I feel like shit!”

He averted his eyes. Aw shit. Yep, this is definitely more serious than I thought. 

“Can someone just take me home?” I mumbled. Home, as in Hughes’s place in his guest room’s bed. 

“Fine,” the colonel said. He didn’t seem as mad anymore. I wondered why. 

Once we got outside, the world spun even more, and I realized how sore my leg was. Everything was sore. 

As much as I hate hospitals, I’m pretty sure I needed one. Especially for my arm. Winry is gonna be pissed.

I got into the car. There was no way in hell I was gonna admit to the fucking colonel that I needed a hospital. So I kept quiet. 

It was actually his idea to drive me there, and that asshole didn’t clear it with me first.


	2. Hospital room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edward wakes up in the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Glad you seem to be liking it so far! :) This is where it starts getting edgy btw

I don’t remember falling asleep. That’s another thing I don’t remember. I do remember waking up, though.

I woke up with a searing pain in my automail port, as well as a dull ache everywhere else. I opened my eyes only to be met with the searingly bright hospital lights. 

Welp. Shit.

One thing I noticed right away was that my arm was back on. I flexed the fingers on my right hand. Cool, but it still hurt. My ears rumbled as my eyes tried to adjust to the light. 

Another thing I noticed was that I was alone. For now, at least. I did notice I felt less fuzzy. 

I stared at the ceiling, racking my brain and trying to remember what exactly happened. I was in an apartment, but how did I get there? What happened before that? 

I heard someone sharply knocking on my door before it quickly opened. Great. The colonel. I sat up in the hospital bed. 

“Ah, you’re awake. What’s the last thing you remember?” he asked as he sat down in a chair next to my bed. Geez, not even a “hello” or anything. Cutting straight to the point I see. 

“I already told you, I woke up in a weird apartment with a weird guy sleeping next to me. Then my arm was missing, so that was just great. I grabbed it and left. That’s all I know.” I said as I folded my arms. 

“You don’t remember anything before that at all?” He asked. 

I thought for a second. “No…. I don’t.” I shook my head. 

“Last time we saw you, you were talking to a man at the bar. We left you alone, you seemed fine on your own. You don’t remember leaving with him?” Mustang sighed and ran his hands through his hair.

“I… don’t remember that. At all.” I said, confused. My entire head felt like it was about to explode.

“I’m not going to assume anything, but do you think maybe he slipped something in your drink?” He continued. 

“What the fuck are you trying to say?” I snapped at him. God, he pisses me off so much. “What could he have possibly done to me that he needed to drug me for?”

“You need to be more careful!” he snapped back. “What if he decided to kill you, or worse?”

“What do you mean, worse?”

“You know what I mean! He could’ve tortured you and you’d be helpless to stop it! What would we have done then?” I noticed his gloves were off, yet he was clenching them in his hand. 

“You’re saying this is my fault?”

“I’m saying you need to be more careful! You should’ve never accepted a drink from a stranger in the first place!”

“I know how to take care of myself, asshole!”

He stood up, rage in his eyes. He lifted his hand, and before I knew it, it made contact with my cheek. All I heard was ringing in my ears and his ragged, angry breathing as my head was knocked to the side. 

I had no words. My brain just stopped working at that point. Stunned, I lifted my hand to my face. I hardly noticed the colonel briskly walk out of the room. 

I slumped over, head in my hands, focusing on the stinging pain in my cheek and dull aches all over my body. 

I felt a sudden hot wash of anger. Not at the colonel, at myself. Maybe at the colonel a little bit. But mostly at myself, for not being able to remember anything. 

What the hell is wrong with me?

And then, because no one knows how to leave me alone, Hughes walked in. 

“Hey,” he began, “Why isn’t Mustang with you?”

“Why don’t you ask him,” I grumbled. 

Hughes frowned. “What did he do this time?”

I looked up at him, hand on my cheek. “That asshole slapped me,” I said, frowning. 

His eyes widened. “Seriously?” He asked.

“Yeah,” I said, my gaze focused on my hands in my lap. “He said someone might have slipped something in my drink. How fucking stupid is that?” I chuckled a little, before looking up at Hughes. He looked slightly horrified.

“Listen, Ed,” He started. Oh no. “We need to get you tested for drugs. Just in case.”

“Not you too,” I whined. “I’m okay now, why does it matter?”

“We just want to make 100% sure you’re as fine as you say you are. It won’t hurt just to get you tested.”

“Fine. If that’s what you want, I’ll do it,” I grumbled. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

I went back to my stupid fucking hospital room after I pissed in the stupid fucking cup. Still haven’t talked to an actual doctor yet, just a nurse. 

I had some time to kill before the test results came back, and I couldn’t leave, so I stared at the ceiling for most of the time. 

Then, just as I was thinking about it, a doctor came in. Great.

“Edward Elric?” He asked, flipping through a clipboard. 

“That’s me,” I said. 

And, cutting right to the chase, he simply said, “You’ve tested positive for GHB.”

Huh. “What’s that? Are you saying someone drugged me?”

“Simply put, yes.”

There was an awkward silence before he continued. 

He kept talking but I was lost in thought.

I just found out I’d been drugged. I felt violated. My body was still sore, and… 

Oh no.

Why the hell was my body sore?

I started putting the pieces together. 

Anger, shame, regret… I felt all of it at once. And then my chest tightened up and I couldn’t breathe and oh god oh no I’m dying and I don’t know what happened to me why don’t I know why can’t I remember???

I couldn’t breathe. Dizziness hit me like a train. No, nothing happened to me. It couldn’t have. I’ve been through so much. I can live through this. 

A voice pulled me back into reality. 

“Are you okay?” The doctor said. 

My eyes focused on his worried face as I took a deep breath. “I’m fine,” I lied, faking a smile. I just wanted to go back to where I called home for the moment. 

I’m okay. I’ll just keep telling myself that until I believe it.


	3. Panic attack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edward makes a shocking discovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As is with all my chapters, HUGE trigger warning.

I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to go back home, maybe go catch some rogue alchemist, and get back into my normal schedule. But no. I couldn’t. Because...

This was all my fault. 

I didn’t want to say what I thought might’ve actually happened. There’s no way it actually could’ve. But the pain in places I’ve never felt pain in before told me otherwise.

I’ll just leave it at this. Some creepy murderer or whackjob invited me over, I was drunk, and I passed out at his place. End of the story, happily ever after, I can move on with my life. 

Then why… why did it hurt so much?

Why did I test positive for a drug I’ve never heard of? 

There must be some mistake. Some doctor mixed up my test results with some poor girl who was assaulted. 

Yes I feel bad for whoever it was that was drugged instead, but just glad it wasn’t me.

Yeah, no. I had to face reality. I was in denial. Fuck. 

I was lost in thought when I heard a knock, then the door opened. It was the same doctor as before.

He tried to make small talk, but my responses were dry and uninterested. 

Then, getting straight to the point, he said, “We need to do a full body examination of you. If we don’t find anything unusual, we’ll let you go.” He politely smiled at me, which just pissed me off even more than what he just said. 

I knew I couldn’t do anything without getting shit from my brother and the colonel, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t gonna complain about it. 

“Fine,” I grumbled. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

I won’t bore you with the details of the examination. He made me take my clothes off and poked around a lot, which felt stupid and unnecessary. Still, I couldn’t take my eyes off the dull purple bruises on my chest and hips. 

I felt broken. And fuck, maybe I am. I just wish I never got myself into this awful situation. It’s my stupid fucking fault. Maybe Mustang was right. Which is the only time I’d ever admit that bastard was right.

I still won’t apologize to him. Not until he apologizes first. I still didn’t think I said anything to deserve a slap in the face. 

The doctor then confirmed what I was absolutely in denial about after I put my clothes back on. 

“You’ve got signs consistent with someone who was sexually assaulted.”

“I… what?” My eyes widened and I froze.

“I know this is hard to hear, but there’s a good chance you were raped.”

Silence. 

Dread.

Panic.

“I was… raped?” I said quietly. 

My vision went fuzzy as I tried to rationalize what he just said. My fingers clenched and my nails dug into the palm of my hand. I felt the skin break and blood spilling out. I didn’t care. 

I barely remember the next few minutes or so. It all felt like a blur to me. I felt the doctor put his hand on my shoulder and start to say something, which pulled me out of it for a second.

Memories came rushing back. They weren’t exactly memories of actions, but memories of feelings.

My body trembled. I panicked. I jumped away from him, stumbling and backing up against the wall. My chest was tight and I couldn’t breathe again. 

He was saying something. I didn’t hear him at all. All I saw was him walking towards me. 

“GET AWAY FROM ME!” I barely recognized my own voice. I sounded so feral and pained.

I sunk to my knees, my fingers pulling roughly on my hair.

And there was someone screaming. That must’ve been me, but I didn’t notice. 

My chest met my knees as I bent over, tugging on my hair. I felt close to ripping out chunks of it.

I couldn’t fucking breathe. I felt close to passing out, maybe even throwing up.

“Edward.”

Everything is crumbling around me.

“Edward!”

Huh?

I slowly let go of my hair, looked up and saw Hughes. He was crouched over me, his brows furrowed. He didn’t touch me. I think he was scared to. I must’ve looked as much like a feral animal as I felt like one.

Hughes offered a hand to me. “Ed, please. We just want to help you.”

I backed up into the wall. I couldn’t control my breathing. We looked at each other. Me with panic and him with worry. 

“I… can’t… breathe…” I said in between pants. Tears threatened to spill. I soon realized I had a headache, probably from hyperventilating.

Hughes put his hand down. “It’s okay.” He sat cross legged in front of me. “I don’t really know what to say, but we’re all here for you.”

I choked back a sob and covered my mouth. “I don’t know what to do anymore,” I said quietly, my voice shaky. 

I started to put my head in my hands before Hughes softly grasped my wrist. “Look at me. You’re going to be okay. We’ll find out who did this to you and-“

“I don’t know if I want to. I don’t know if I can face him.” I didn’t even get a good look at him, which I wish I did. I was so confused when I stumbled out of his apartment. 

He sighed. “I understand. We’ll get him when you’re ready.”

I sniffled. “Thank you.” 

And I meant it.


	4. Opening up (just a little)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edward has to tell Alphonse about his assault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of a shorter chapter, but bear with me.

After a few more tests and days in the hospital, the worst case scenario was confirmed. I was raped and I don’t remember a damn thing. 

I started getting nightmares. The kind of nightmares that leave you waking up with tears streaming down your face and a feeling of helplessness but not being able to remember what they were about. 

It’s humiliating, you know? 

I know it’s cliche, but I kept waking up in a cold sweat. Not being able to remember anything feels so hopeless. I woke up every day for that week with tears streaming down my face and my body trembling. 

How the hell am I gonna tell Alphonse? How am I going to tell Winry? This is the fucking worst. Wait… where has Al been?

I was being kept in the hospital, did he know that? Did he know what happened to me? Has he been wondering where I was? Shit, he’s probably worried sick. I gotta make a phone call. 

But what would I even say? What, am I supposed to tell my brother I made a stupid choice and now my life is ruined? Wouldn’t be the first time… Ha. 

No. Let me just tell him to come to the hospital; maybe someone else can explain it to him. I’m not touching that topic with a ten foot pole. Yeah. I’ll just call Hughes and ask where Al is; he probably knows. 

I sat up in my flimsy hospital bed, throwing off my thin sheets. It was cold. Cold enough to remind me of where I woke up a few days ago. I shuddered, throwing that thought to the side for now. I didn’t want to think about it. Not now and not ever. 

I walked down the hallway, finding a pay phone and inserting a few coins. I had Hughes’s home phone number memorized to the point where I could probably call him in my sleep. Plus I always carried at least a few coins on me just in case.

Nervously dialing the number, I shifted my feet.

“Hello?” I heard on the other end of the phone. 

“Hey,” I said. “It’s Edward.” 

“Oh! Hey Ed! What’s up? How’re you holding up?”

“I’m fine,” I lied. “I just need to talk to Al.”

“Okay, hold on a sec,” he replied. 

I heard shuffling over the phone, then a childish voice on the other end.

“Brother?”

I breathed a sigh of relief. I don’t exactly know why, but I was worried for him. 

“Hey Al. Uh, listen… I’m in the hospital.” I scratched the back of my head sheepishly.

“That’s where you’ve been?” He said in disbelief. “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

I wondered the same thing. Why didn’t anyone tell my own brother where I was? Even if it was something minor, I think he deserved to know. 

“Listen,” I cleared my throat nervously. “Something… happened.”

“Well, yeah… you’re in the hospital, right?”

“I mean… it’s something bad.” I felt a lump in my throat forming. 

“What is it?”

“Just… come over.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

I waited in my hospital room for what seemed like ages. 

Finally, my door burst open, scaring the shit out of me for a second. 

My brother clanked noisily into the room, not bothering to hold the door open for Hughes. He ran over to me immediately, grabbed my shoulders, and started shaking me. 

“Are you okay? What happened?”

I didn’t have answers to these questions. I grabbed him by the wrist and gently put his arm down. “I’m okay, I promise,” I said. Which was a lie, but only somewhat. 

Physically, the pain was still there but getting better every day. Mentally, I was in shambles. The feelings of dissociation came and went and I’d often lose track of time. Al didn’t need to know I was suffering. No one did. 

“Well, what happened? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Hughes and I shared a look. Neither of us wanted to tell him, but we had to. 

I stuttered out, “Some guy assaulted me. Like… rape.” I didn’t want to say it. I really really didn’t want to face the truth. 

Al was speechless for a second. He collapsed to his knees and put his head in his hands. He was shaking, despite the fact he couldn’t physically cry.

“Hey, Al?”

I put my hand on his shoulder and leaned over. “I’ll be fine,” I lied again. “Just another bump in the road, y’know?” I forced a chuckle. “Don’t get too worked up about it. I’ll find that guy and kick his ass.”

My heart pounded in my chest and I felt sweat bead on my forehead. My vision went blurry for a second. I was lying through my teeth. 

Truth is, I was scared. Terrified, even. Terrified it would happen again. Terrified that something even worse would happen to me, or even my friends. 

He looked up at me. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. He was silent for a second, then leaned over and hugged me tightly. 

I felt tears form in the corners of my eyes.

“It’s okay,” he said. 

I sobbed into his shoulder, taking a second to wipe my tears. 

“I’m scared,” I said, almost inaudibly. 

“I know,” he said.


	5. Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edward hurts himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like with all my chapters, HUGE trigger warning. Tw for graphic depiction of self harm in this chapter.

Days later, I was finally released from that dumbass hospital. 

The physical pain was almost completely gone. I just wanted to get back to work. So, I took a day off then immediately went back to work. I shouldn’t have done it, but I just wanted to get my mind off my assault. I needed to distract myself. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

The colonel cocked an eyebrow at me. I draped my arm over the top of the couch in his office and crossed my legs, wincing a little bit. 

“C’mon, just give me something to do,” I pleaded. 

He stood up. “Fine. You want something to do?” He slammed a stack of paperwork on his desk. “Fill these out.”

I frowned. I guess he saw the look I gave him, because he gave one right back.

“You aren’t ready to go on another mission yet and you know it.”

He was right. I wasn’t ready. My face turned red and I looked away. 

I took my paperwork and went to the library where it was quiet. 

I didn’t need to be alone. 

Sheska greeted me at the door. I waved a half-hearted greeting and sat down at a corner table. Alone. 

I dissociated as I went through the stack. I had so many questions in mind. 

I put my head in my hands, tugging on the sides of my hair. 

I’m a total and utter failure. 

How could I let myself go and get hurt like that?

I can’t be vulnerable anymore like this. I can’t keep pushing all my issues on my brother. I can’t do that anymore, it’s not fair to him. He’s got his own issues. 

Issues that I caused. It’s my fault that he lost his body. 

I pulled tighter on my hair. I hadn’t showered in a while, so my hair was greasy and rough.

Dammit!

I need to hurt myself. I need to feel something. I need to hurt. I need to hurt myself. 

I left my paperwork on the table and quickly went to the bathroom, covering my mouth as I walked. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Once in the bathroom, I shut and locked the stall door and sat down. I quickly transmuted a blade onto my arm. I prayed no one else was in another stall. They would’ve heard the sound and seen the light from the transmutation. 

I paused. Do I really want to do this? I shook my head. It’s not a matter of if I want to or not. I needed to. I set my mind to hurting myself and I’ll be damned if I don’t. I deserved it. I deserved to fall back into old habits like this. 

I sliced the blade lightly across my flesh arm. I gasped at the pain. It hurt so much, but I felt a strange euphoria. 

I did it again. And again. Blood beaded up on the cuts as I gritted my teeth. Soon, I ran out of room on my arm. 

I transmuted my arm back to normal and wrapped up my left arm in whatever was available, which was toilet paper. Blood soaked through and I kept having to replace it. I felt strangely calm. I felt at peace. I felt… better. 

I flushed the toilet paper down the toilet once the bleeding stopped. I stepped out of the stall and washed my hands, paranoid about there being anyone else there.

Riding on the high of the pain, I walked out of the bathroom. I walked back to the library, Sheska greeted me again and I waved. I felt a little guilty. What if Al or Winry found out? It didn’t matter. It’ll heal. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

I dropped the stack of paperwork on the colonel’s desk. “Done!” I grinned.

“Already?” He asked. “What’s got you so happy?”

I waved my hand. “Oh, nothing. Just glad I had something to do around here.”

He frowned. “Listen, Fullmetal.” Oh god, was he about to lecture me?

“I’m sorry I hit you. I shouldn’t have done that.”

My mouth widened in shock. “What?” 

“We just care about you. We’re worried.” He struggled to say those words. I could tell he wasn’t used to admitting to being wrong. 

“It’s okay,” I said, facing the other way. I didn’t want to look at him. “It could've been worse. Being slapped isn’t the worst thing I’ve been through.”

“It still wasn’t okay.”

I turned to face him. He was now standing up. He looked upset, almost angry. 

I nodded. “I… forgive you,” I said, grabbing my arm and wincing a bit at the pain. 

He sat back down, resting his head on top of his hands. “You’re dismissed.”

I turned and walked out the door, not bothering to look behind me. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Sitting in the bathroom at Hughes’s house, I examined my arm. I traced the cuts on my arm with my hand. 

I needed to bandage it up. I didn’t want an infection. 

I searched through the cabinets, finding a first aid kit with gauze and disinfectant. I picked up the disinfectant and dabbed some onto paper towels, rubbing my arm with it. It really really fucking stung. I grimaced and bit my lip to keep from making any noise.

I wrapped the gauze around my arm, still feeling the sting from the disinfectant. I put my coat back on when I heard Hughes calling me for dinner. 

I felt my heart jump in my chest. “One second!” I yelled from the bathroom. One last feel of my arm and I was at the dinner table. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Everyone gathered at the table, even Al. I felt a weird guilt knowing he physically couldn’t eat, and that it was either partially or completely my fault. 

Elicia was curious as to where I was. “Where was little brother?” She asked. I brushed off the fact that she called me “little” and thought about how to answer without really answering. 

“Uhhh…”

Hughes interrupted me. “He was hurt by a bad man, okay sweetie? But he’s better now, right Ed?” He smiled at me.

“Yeah… I am.” I sighed and frowned. I squeezed my arm, frustrated. I knew he meant well, but damn. That hurt. 

I stood up and excused myself, despite Gracia and Hughes trying to get me to stay. I went back to my room, my brother excusing himself and following me soon after.

As soon as I closed the door I heard it open right behind me. Of course. “I don’t want to talk about it,” I said to him. 

“You don’t have to. It wasn’t your fault.”

I turned to face him. “It wasn’t my fault?” I felt hot tears threatening to spill over. 

“No, please, calm down,” he begged. 

“Calm down?” I asked. I needed to get my anger out. Somehow.

He reached towards me before grabbing my injured arm. I flinched and gasped in pain. Tears streamed down my face as my throat burned. 

Shit. Shit shit shit. I went into complete panic mode and ripped my arm away from his grasp. I held my arm, panting and gasping. 

“Brother?” He said softly. 

I quickly turned around so he wouldn’t see me cry. “I’m fine. Just… leave me alone.”

I heard the door close behind me, and I curled up in bed. I wiped my tears and wrapped myself up in a blanket. I silently hoped that he didn’t think too much about my arm. Eventually, I fell into a restless sleep.


	6. A skipped appointment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating for like a month! I'm trying to get back into writing. Plus I've been super busy. Thank you for all your kind words!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter mentions self harm, so trigger warning for that.

The next morning, I decided I needed to shower. For the first time since before I woke up in that stranger’s apartment, I was going to shower. I figured it would help me feel better, at least somewhat. 

I stepped into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind me. I shrugged off my coat and started to unwrap the gauze on my arm. 

It hurt a lot more than I expected as I peeled it away. 

It looked so much worse than it felt. Angry red lines appeared all up and down my forearm, and the reality of what I did set in. I sighed and turned on the water for the shower. I needed to wash my hair at least, even if I didn’t do anything else. 

I took my clothes off, trying to ignore the fading bruises on my chest and hips. As soon as I put my arm under the water, I inhaled sharply. It stung like a bitch. I forgot it would keep hurting like that for days after. I hadn’t cut in over a year. Well, that’s the price I pay I suppose. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

I stood in front of the mirror after my shower, my hair freshly washed. I didn’t really look like myself anymore, and I haven’t for a while. Dark purple bags crept under my eyes. At least my hair was clean and smooth, which hasn’t been the case recently.

I got mostly dressed, but started to bandage up my arm again before putting on my coat. It stung just as much as it did the first time I bandaged it up. 

I got to thinking. Man, Mustang would be pissed if he knew what I was doing to myself. Not only that, but everyone I know would be upset. I felt like I was harboring a terrible secret. Maybe I needed to tell someone. Maybe… a professional? No, that’s ridiculous. I mentally kicked myself for even thinking about it. The hospital recommended a therapist but I declined. No fucking way I’m spilling my guts to someone who thinks I’m crazy. 

I brushed aside my feelings and wondered what Mustang had in store for me that day. I hoped it was something more than just paperwork. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

I walked up to the colonel’s office and warily opened the door. He was sitting down, looking at me. No, smiling at me. Like he was waiting. 

I raised an eyebrow and shut the door behind me.

“Ah, Fullmetal. Take a seat.”

Aw shit. I slowly walked over and slumped down on his couch. 

“What is it, Colonel bastard?” I rolled my eyes. Inside, I was nervous. I didn’t know why, but my heart was pounding in my chest. 

He leaned forwards, elbows propped up on his desk, head perched on top of his interlaced fingers. He gave that stupid smirk and uttered words I’d never thought I’d ever have to hear in my entire life. 

“Good news. I scheduled a therapy appointment for you.”

My eyes widened in shock.

“You… you what?” I clenched my fists. I felt a hot wash of anger come over me.

“Sheska saw you having a breakdown in the library. And with recent events, I think you need therapy.” That smug look on his face made me want to punch him. 

I stood up quickly and started walking towards him before he cleared his throat and motioned for me to sit back down.

“Ah, and I forgot to mention. If you try anything here… I’ll burn you to a crisp.” 

He rubbed his fingers together threateningly. 

I sighed and sat back down, defeated. I slumped forwards, my head in my hands. 

“Your appointment is in 30 minutes at the building down the street. Hughes can drive you there and pick you up once you’re done.” 

“Fine,” I grumbled. I was already planning on how to avoid therapy. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Hughes drove me to the stupid appointment. I didn’t say a word the entire time. Not like it was a long time, anyways. Only a couple minutes. I wasn’t mad at him, but I was absolutely furious with Mustang. 

We pulled up in front of a pristine white building. “I’ll be back in an hour, okay Ed?” Hughes said. I nodded and stepped out of the car, watching him pull away from the building. 

Hm. Well, I guess I had an hour to kill.

I wanted to take a nap but I knew sleeping behind a random building in public would just end in trouble. 

I sat behind the building and waited. And waited. And waited. 

I tapped my foot. I threw my pocket watch up into the air and caught it. I examined my automail. God, I was so bored. It must’ve been at least 20 minutes of just sitting there. 

I almost accidentally dozed off before I heard a car pull up. Finally! I didn’t think it had been an hour, but I was just happy I wouldn’t be so bored anymore.

I approached the black car with tinted windows, expecting Hughes.

Except…

Mustang rolled down the window and scowled at me. 

“Get in,” he said sternly. Oh god. I fucked up. 

I slowly got in the car and shut the door behind me, sitting in the seat behind him. I noticed no one else was with him. 

“What the hell were you thinking skipping your appointment?”

“What? I didn’t-”

“Your therapist called me to report you hadn’t shown up,” he said through gritted teeth. 

Fuck. “Listen-” I started to say before he cut me off. 

“No. You obviously can’t be trusted on your own. Pull anything like that again and I’m admitting you to the psych ward.”

I didn’t say anything. I knew it would only make things worse for me. I folded my arms and looked out the window. 

We didn’t talk to each other.

I scratched at my arm and looked out the window, watching the scenery. I saw bright skies and and tall buildings pass by with a few trees scattered about. 

Silence, except for the car’s usual growls. . 

We stopped a few minutes later. I looked up to see that I was back home. Well… “home”. I got out of the car without even looking at the colonel, slamming the door intentionally behind me.

I didn’t look behind me when I heard the car speed off.


	7. Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit more graphic than the other ones. Edward has a horrible nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in so long. I promise I'm alive.

I didn’t remember how I got there. 

Hot breath covering my neck, I realized I couldn’t move. I couldn’t move my right arm, but my left arm struggled against a hand wrapped around my wrist. Wait, no, that’s not accurate. My right arm was missing. 

A face shrouded in darkness with only the moonlight to shine onto it leaned over me. He was whispering something so close to me that I started to sweat, and I felt wet droplets of saliva fall onto my face. I couldn’t breathe. I was paralyzed. I couldn’t hear anything; my heart was pounding too loudly in my ears. 

He looked down, arose a bit, and started undoing my belt. 

“No, no, no, no, NO! STOP!” I screamed, but he quickly put a hand over my mouth. My heart was beating too fast. I felt like I was dying. I soon felt something shaking my arm.

I woke, sweating, panicked, and very confused. I whipped my head around, looking for the man. Instead, I saw my brother, hands raised in defense. 

“Brother! Are you okay? You were screaming in your sleep!” I could hear the panic and worry in his voice. 

I tried to choke out an apology or maybe some reassurance but the words caught in my dry, sore throat. Tears welled up in my eyes, my face heating up. My surroundings began to blur around me. 

Al crouched down and quickly embraced me in his cold metal arms. I paused for a second before wrapping my arms around his torso. Tears flowed freely down my cheeks, dripping onto Al’s armor. I choked out a sob. He shushed me and rubbed his hand in circles across my back. 

“I… He… He hurt me…” was all I could choke out. 

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he repeated over and over again. 

We took a minute to sit there, the only sounds were my ragged breathing and choked sobs until I calmed down. Thankful he was there to calm me down before it turned into a full-blown panic attack, I muttered an apology. 

He patted my back and let go of the hug to look me in the eyes. “It isn’t your fault.”

I nodded, taking a second to wipe my tears with my arm. I felt so pathetic. I sat there sniffling, tears streaming down my face, just waiting for it all to be over. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I shook my head. I knew I was going to have to tell Winry eventually. How would she react? I had no idea. Would I be met with anger? Resentment? Maybe even compassion? I was lost in thought when Al stood up. 

“I’m going to get you a glass of water, okay?”

I nodded, thankful. My throat felt like it was on fire. He left the room and all I could think about was how broken and fucked up I was. Did I even want that guy to be caught? It was necessary. There was a rapist somewhere nearby and I didn’t want anyone else to be hurt like I was. 

I squeezed my left arm, somewhat comforted by the pain it brought. Just then, the door opened and Al walked over, handing me a glass of water. I nodded in thanks and chugged it, the crisp water soothing my dry and burning throat. 

“Thank you,” I muttered after drinking it all. The tears had dried at that point, and I admittedly felt better. 

Al sat next to me on the bed, but as soon as he did we heard a knock on the door. 

The door slowly opened and Hughes stepped into the room. He shut the door behind him just as softly as he opened it. 

“Edward?” He asked, concerned. “Are you alright?”

I wanted to say I was fine, but I knew Al would call me out on it. “Just had a nightmare, I’m okay now.” 

He walked over and crouched in front of me. “It’s okay to talk about it. You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but you need to know it’s okay to seek help,” he said softly. 

I nodded slowly. “It’s… humiliating.” I looked away. 

He patted me on the shoulder. “I know.” 

He embraced me in a tight hug. It kinda hurt, but I was okay with it. He cared about me. I smiled, just a little bit. 

I was lucky to have such amazing people in my life.


	8. Suspects

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edward finally gets closer to finding out who assaulted him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit I haven't updated in so long. Anyways this chapter does have a trigger warning (since when do my fics not lol) for self harm.

The next day, I walked into colonel bastard’s office. I still didn’t feel all too great, and he must’ve noticed. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked, cocking an eyebrow. 

“Nothing. Geez, get off my back,” I mumbled. 

He leaned forward. “If you say so…” he said hesitantly. “Anyways, good news.”

“Huh? What is it?”

“We have a list of suspects.”

My heart skipped a beat and my face fell. I should’ve been happy. I should’ve been elated, even over the moon. But I wasn’t. I felt… awful. I didn’t ever want to think about what happened again. 

“Fullmetal?” 

I stood up on wobbly feet, swaying, my vision blurring. I lost my balance, catching myself on the arm of the couch in Mustang’s office. 

“Edward?” he asked, concerned. I’d never heard him call me that, not ever. I barely made out his vague form coming closer to me. 

And all of a sudden I was feeling everything I felt that night all over again. 

I tripped over my own feet, stumbling and scrambling, running as fast as I could. I had to get out of there.

I burst out of the door, and all I heard was my own choked breathing and quick footsteps. I’ve never ran so fast in my life. 

People gasped and stepped out of my way. I didn’t even know why I ran, I just needed to escape. 

I flung open the doors to outside, tripping down the stairs. I picked myself back up and kept going. 

Mid-step, I was thrown forward by a sudden blast of heat. I tumbled, bouncing off the ground as I was thrown back. 

The heat singed my coat. I supported my weight with my arms, looking around to see Mustang walking towards me. 

Shit!

I pushed myself onto my feet, legs apart, ready to fight. 

He snapped again, I flipped back, landing on my feet but stumbling and landing flat on my ass. 

“So this is how it’s gonna be, huh?” I muttered to myself, clapping my hands and forming a blade on my arm.

I stood back up as quickly as I could. 

Mustang advanced.

“Stop running from your problems, Fullmetal. It won’t help you.” He said with a grimace.

“Then stop fucking trying to kill me!” I yelled. 

“Goddammit, I’m not trying to kill you!” He yelled back. 

He wasn’t trying to hurt me, he was trying to help me. 

Oh… 

He was trying to help me. 

Fuck! Why did I have to fuck everything up every single time?

I transmuted my arm back to normal and stepped towards him with shaky legs. He took off his gloves one by one.

He stuffed them into his pocket, still scowling at me. 

“I- I’m sorry,” I said quietly. 

I wrapped my arms around him gently, expecting him to push me away. 

Instead…

He embraced me. 

I hugged him tighter, sobbing a little into his chest. After hesitating for a second, he ran his hands through my hair gently. He was surprisingly good at comforting me. 

I looked to my right to see people gathered. I guess I did make a bit of a scene, huh? 

\--

Back in the colonel’s office, I tapped my foot anxiously as he looked through some papers. 

“Do you recognize this face?” He asked me, holding up a piece of paper with a man on it. “His name is Jameson Davis.”

His scowling face looked straight through me. He had a rough and scraggly beard, which hid most of his mouth. He had thick eyebrows and long hair. I can’t say I recognized the face or the name. But then again, I never saw his face. I shook my head. “I never saw his face.”

“I’m willing to bet you did, you just don’t remember,” he said as he rifled through more papers. 

He held up another paper. “Henry Turner,” he said as he held up another paper with another man’s face on it. He had a sharp, upturned nose with thin eyebrows and deep-set eyes. I concentrated. Did I know this man? He felt almost familiar but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

“I think…”

I paused. 

“I think that might be him.”

The colonel nodded slowly. “We’ll interview both of them asking them where they were at the time. I have a few more suspects if you want to look through my papers.”

I shook my head. The entire day drained me. I wanted to go back to Hughes’s place and relax; if I could even do such a thing. 

\--

I slumped down in my bed, exhausted. Stuffing my automail fingers into my left sleeve, I stroked the slowly fading scars on my arm. I wanted more. My stomach twisted at the thought of them completely fading. That can’t happen. 

I need more. 

Nobody was in the room. I knew I shouldn’t have been left alone. Just to be safe, I walked into the bathroom to do it there. 

I sat cross-legged on the floor after locking the door, hastily taking off my coat. I didn’t care if anyone heard the transmutation of my arm. 

So I started again. 

Warm blood trickled down the sides of my flesh arm. I finally felt something. Relief maybe? All those pent up urges…

I transmuted my arm back to normal, grabbing some toilet paper and cleaning the blood off of it. I tightly wrapped toilet paper around my injured arm, mesmerized as the blood soaked through the thin paper. 

Not bothering to wait for the bleeding to stop, I wrapped gauze around my arm. As soon as I started putting my coat on, I heard a knock on the door. I instantly froze.

“What?”

Al’s quiet and childlike voice sounded through the door. 

“Mr. Hughes wanted me to tell you supper is ready.”

“Okay,” I called back. “I’ll be right there.”

As I heard his footsteps grow farther away from the door, I breathed a sigh of relief. I just prayed he didn’t know what I was doing.

It would kill him to find out.


End file.
